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Ambrose Bierce Quotes and Sayings
Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

May you find great value in these inspirational Ambrose Bierce Quotes from my large datebase of inspiring quotes and sayings.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils
his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce

Related topics: Humor

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

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Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce


 

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather,
and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce

History is an account, mostly false,
of events,
mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers,
mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making in all,
two.
- Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor
upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and
disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the
fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj.
Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which
can be lost only if not worth keeping.
- Ambrose Bierce

Who never doubted, never half believed.
Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
- Ambrose Bierce

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that
powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.
- Ambrose Bierce

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious,
excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country.
What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary
already sufficiently slippery.
- Ambrose Bierce

I believe we shall come to care about people less and less.
The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them.
It's one of the curses of London.
- Ambrose Bierce

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which
the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction
that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
- Ambrose Bierce

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins
lying about us pretty soon afterward.
- Ambrose Bierce

Immortality: A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for, Dispute,
contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right
proud Eternally to die for.
- Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached
to an opinion that you do not entertain.
- Ambrose Bierce

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded
by exemption from the cares of office.
- Ambrose Bierce

Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain
of disappointment from the realm of hope.
- Ambrose Bierce

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a
right-hand pocket or a left.
- Ambrose Bierce

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
- Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism.
Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
- Ambrose Bierce

When you doubt, abstain.
- Ambrose Bierce

Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe,
but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
- Ambrose Bierce

Trial.
A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record
the blameless characters of judges,
advocates and jurors.
- Ambrose Bierce

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce

Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
- Ambrose Bierce

Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal
advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Witticism.
A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted;
what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
- Ambrose Bierce

Incompatibility.
In matrimony a similarity of tastes,
particularly the taste for domination.
- Ambrose Bierce

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
- Ambrose Bierce

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation
of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency,
thinks with his legs.
- Ambrose Bierce

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
- Ambrose Bierce

Creditor.
One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial
Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
- Ambrose Bierce

Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.
- Ambrose Bierce

Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders
whom it would be too expensive to punish.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ambition.
An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- Ambrose Bierce

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
- Ambrose Bierce

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that
white is the color that it appears to be.
It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
- Ambrose Bierce


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